


to radiate with inexhaustible light

by feralphoenix



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Don't copy to another site, F/F, Trans Female Character, gender euphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:07:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24528112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feralphoenix/pseuds/feralphoenix
Summary: Madoka designs herself a costume.
Relationships: Kaname Madoka/Tomoe Mami
Comments: 13
Kudos: 88





	to radiate with inexhaustible light

**Author's Note:**

> _(Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back_ – She wanted to reach and be amongst the flashing stars, she wanted to race with her feet and be beyond the confines of this earth.)
> 
> (shows up to the meeting 9 yrs late w/starbucks) trans madoka good

You fill up your notebook with hopes and dreams until your sheets are covered with eraser grit and the side of your hand is gray with graphite.

It’s not hard to come up with something perfect because you can’t think of anything really good, it’s that there’s _too many_ things that are really good and it’s tough to cram them all in. You don’t know if other girls have this problem too, or if it’s just you and all the years you spent watching from the outside before you really _knew._ The years wanting to play sailor moon and cardcaptor and precure and being told that magical girls aren’t for _boys._

Not even Sayaka-chan and Hitomi-chan might really understand what this actually means to you. Magical girls are like… they’re like the pinnacle of _girliness,_ is you guess how you want to put it, the ideal form of femininity all wrapped up in ribbons and lace and glitter in a consummate package. And here you are, aware every day you put your uniform on how hard your parents and your friends had to fight to let you have this much, and knowing how long a road you’ve got ahead of you still before you can get your government registrations changed—therapists and hormones and surgery you’re not sure you even want…

And, in the face of all that, Kyubey barreling into your life like a sign from the gods. Not just that the world recognizes your girlness but that you can be a magical girl, a pillar of girlhood: And not just _any_ magical girl but a really strong one, according to Kyubey, if you can just think of a wish.

Well. A wish is hard to come up with when there’s not really anything you’ve got a pressing need to wish _for—_ you have so much as it is and a future where you’ll be acknowledged by the world is promised to you if you just follow the path set out for you. Your friends and family are happy and healthy. Just wishing to _be_ a magical girl probably wouldn’t work, or would be a waste; you can think of something later.

But the _costume._ That at least you can come up with ideas for ahead of time, right?

You draw out Homura-chan and Mami-san’s costumes too, as best as you can remember them, for reference. Homura-chan’s costume is awfully subdued, white and black and gray, not really sparkly or lacy or ribbony at all; you guess that fits her personality better but it’s not something _you_ would want to wear…

Mami-san’s magical girl clothes are way more like it. She’s so fancy and pretty and _cool,_ and the laced-up corset makes her skirt and stockings stand out so much, and also, her, um…

You realize you’ve been dragging your pencil back and forth along the curves you drew of Mami-san’s um, boobs so that they’re a shiny black way darker than any of your other drawings, squeal, and throw your notebook and pencil. They fly across your room and bounce off your plushies and slap onto the floor. You roll over onto your front and bury your face in your pillow and kick your feet on the mattress. _She cannot ever know._ You need to stop being such a GAY DISASTER for, like, five minutes so that you have something finished to bring to your meeting with Mami-san and Sayaka-chan tomorrow, already!!!!!!!!! Geez!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But… you can’t really help fantasizing about it, about you and Mami-san and Sayaka-chan fighting Witches and saving people as a team, and Mami-san smiling at you, and someday making it so you can all be friends with Homura-chan too, and being a hero like the kinds you watched on Sunday morning anime when you were little. Saving the world, falling in love. A girl like you.

You don’t know what sort of fate or karma it is that means you get to be so blessed, but you’ll be grateful for it your whole life.


End file.
